Duality, an Introduction (Part 1)
I play quite a variety of characters in my life, and I try to play them as effectively as possible. But none as important to me than the role of being myself. I hate to introduce myself in an industrious way of stating the degrees I have earned, industry I work in and the job title I hold. I would rather like to use multiple articles to provide a chronological framework of the events that shaped my life.
As I write this article, I carry the stress of making this the most impactful article I would ever write. Afterall, this is my introduction, this is who I am, how can it not be complicated and perfect? The overwhelming need to be a perfectionist takes over and blocks all creativity and posts large expectations that would never be fulfilled. All the while the metaphorical ticking clock is slowly becoming the loudest thing in the room. Soon this clock will become so loud that it would force me to stay up all night and finish this. And once the article is out there, feelings associated with vulnerability will be overpowering until acceptance is reached. For some reason I have a feeling that this paragraph will be the most relatable reflection of me. Afterall, we all suffer from the disease of being human. Between all these rather morbid feelings, I am trying to put my best efforts while I write this article to achieve some sort of victory in my pursuit of becoming the best self and truly appreciate life for what it is.
The way I anchor my life is by asking myself a question. If I were to die today, would I have led my life in any other way? For me it is of most importance at any given time to know that this is the only life I could’ve lived. And it is for this exact reason I don’t like to look at myself as a good person. The selfish nature of this question itself denies me the right to call myself a good person. For only I know I will only take the decisions that I would never regret, and nothing else. Afterall, we know Joey Tribbiani has proved to us there is no selfless good deed. To me, it is this question that provides me with all the answers I would ever need in this lifetime. It is my guiding compass in many ways, a simple yes or no algorithm. I can’t help but mention Dylan Thomas’ poem, “Do not go gentle into that good night”, and his famous line, “old age should burn and rave at close of day”. I want to die a passionate death; I try to imagine my death as vividly as imagination would allow. Every time I try to do that, I face this very same question again. And I only wish this one thing for myself, that I would continue to always keep myself honest.
If anyone is curious, Myers-Briggs test describes my personality as INFJ. I don’t like to conform anyone to such definitions, but this is the most convenient way for me to describe myself. I feel like I have a deep inner life and I like to spend a lot of time there. I am a very idealistic person; I carry my life with principles. Principles that I like to believe bring out the best in people around me; I like to think I facilitate kindness as well as a certain degree of ferocity. I have a very close circle of relationships and I spend a lot of time knowing deeply about each one, as well as scrutinizing them. I fight the fight for what is right every day and I feel fulfilled every time I do so, and I feel betrayed by myself every time I don’t. I burnout rather quickly and fail most of the times to take care of myself.
I am not particularly sure what my name means, nor have I really had an interest in knowing what it means. But something about the uniqueness to this name has always made sense. I carry the given name of Yajat and this is my short introduction.
